April 2021 - One foot in front of the other

When I sit down to type out a blog, I don't think very much about it - I start typing and words come out, unfiltered. Process normally takes 30 minutes from the time of sitting down to publishing. I don't go back and change my fundamental story, only typos and any factual errors. What you see is what you get and today, you're getting a bit of a grumpy blog post!

This weekend has been 2 days that were very different. One good and one not so good.

I've heard so many times about Adrenal Insufficiency, "oh you have to pace yourself" and "there are days when you have to surrender and just take it easy". I am not one to take it easy on the behest of my condition nor do I wish to pace myself because I am forced to. Perhaps that isn't the best way of looking at things, but it is how I feel.

Saturday was a good day. Got up early (Deb was at work doing admin for a Covid-19 vaccination clinic) so off out early for a 2 mile dog walk. Then steam mopped the downstairs and the bathrooms, and then cleaned my car all by lunchtime. In the afternoon, popped to a couple of local shops and did some weeding outside in the garden. Big relax from about 5pm along with a pizza and a film. All in all, a very good day.

Sunday, it seems like there was some payback. Slept well Saturday/Sunday, had about 9 hours and my sleep tracker suggested 2.5 hours of that was deep sleep. Had a bit of a lay in, but I knew as soon as I got up that this wasn't going to be a good day. Ready to go out with Deb and the dogs by about 10:45 so I pre-empted that 'dragging' feeling in my body with an early 5mg of Hydrocortisone plus a couple of bits of chocolate. Took the dogs out with Deb and walked about 2.5 miles.

Now here's the rub. Clearly if I was really not up to the walk then I wouldn't have been able to go at all, there are plenty of people a lot worse off than me at this point and wouldn't have gone at all. But that is kind of not the point, and I'm here to have a bit of a moan :-)  So off we went, and I dragged myself around the walk, it was a beautiful day nice and warm and blue skies. It was to all intents and purposes a brilliant place to be, in our local forest. But for me, it was 'project drag my butt around a dog walk' and it was not very enjoyable at all. Deb knew what was going on all too well, I shut down and hardly speak and I lag behind. But through sheer bloody-mindedness I make it around the dog walk, shattered.

Then having got home, I sit down and we have a bite to eat. Sometimes at this point I will recover, but not today. We had decided we wanted to go to a local garden centre, it doesn't open all winter and this is the first opportunity we've had to go since they reopened. So off we go, another drag myself around time and I didn't really take in all the lovely plants they had. But I made it. Back home about 4pm, time for another early Hydrocortisone dose and a sit down and more food. Finally this time, I can feel myself 'coming around'.

By 5pm I'm feeling a lot more human and I'm up for the dogs final walk of the day which is only a 25 minute quick around the block job. This was the best I've felt all day and by the time I've come home, I'm back on the ball. A quick vacuum of a couple of rooms and I'm ready for a roast chicken dinner that Deb has been lovingly preparing. I'm sitting here now wondering why I couldn't have felt like this all day. Normally my Hydrocortisone intake is:

7:30am 15mg - 13:00 5mg - 6pm 5mg

But today:

8:00 am 15mg - 10:45 5mg - 4pm 5mg

I haven't taken any extra Hydrocortisone today, I just didn't think it would be worth it. I have done on previous occasions and it doesn't always work.....sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. Quite how I can burn through 15mg in 2 hours 45 minutes I don't know. Having taken my 8am dose today, I was feeling vague by probably 09:30, so I don't really see how extra Hydro was going to help.

It is also worth noting this doesn't happen 'this bad' very often, probably a couple of times a month. Another couple of times in a month it happens, but is less pronounced. I suppose what I'm saying is about once a week I'll feel a bit sub-optimal.

Having just re-read what I've written so far, the story does sound a bit 'whingey', I still did quite a bit today because I forced myself to do so. The morning dog walk was a real slog and I could have easily just stayed behind and sat on the couch. But then Deb wouldn't have felt safe to do that walk on her own as it is through remote forest, so it would have ruined her morning as well as my own. I wanted to go to the garden centre, as did Deb, so I wanted to make that happen. I really-really DON'T want to give into the enforced rest - in hindsight that is probably totally flippin' ridiculous. But I can't see me changing my feelings about that any time soon. I should probably just feel lucky that I am able to force myself to walk 2.5 miles, a lot of people don't have that luxury.

Anyway, there it is, grumpy blog. A purpose of this blog has always been to get things off my chest, which this is a good way of doing. Whether this particular post actually helps anyone or resonates I don't know. But as the saying goes (and I quite dislike it....) "it is what it is"!!